Crying In The Bathroom
by HermioneM
Summary: This takes place at Season 3, just after Willow finds out Xander slept with Faith. Her thoughts, her feelings, her guilt. The two friends have a small chat aobut -- things. Please RR.


**A/N- **dunno the name of the episode. But this takes place at Season 3, just after Willow finds out Xander slept with Faith. After the whole crying in the bathroom scene. You know the one. 

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. If I did, I wouldn't have killed Spike nor lost Xander's eye. Would've kept Oz forever (gotta love Oz), would've made more Willow/Xander moments, wouldn't've made it Buffy/Spike (just ew), would've given Dawn more importance (and maybe even gotten her a boyfriend), wouldn't've put Cordy on a comma, nor made Connor forget Angel… could go on forever. So I don't own anything. 

*-*-*

Willow stared at her reflection in the mirror.  Puffy red eyes stared back at her.  The little mascara she had applied was now completely gone and some of it remained under her eyes.  

As she tried to make it disappear (raccoon just wasn't her style), she could just see why Xander would prefer Faith over her.  And why wouldn't he? Faith was what you'd call beautiful.  In her own sort of dark and mysterious way.  And maybe that had been just what had attracted Xander to her.  The mystery of her.  Willow would never be mysterious. She was lame, she was smart, she was reliable… she was just Willow. 

She shook her head.  She was being silly.  She shouldn't be hurt, she shouldn't be jealous.  What was she expecting, anyway? Xander was a guy… and that's what guys did.

Besides, she was with Oz. _OzOzOz_… Xander should just stay away from her mind – from her heart.  She had had troubles enough because of those feelings… and it had been hard for her to win Oz back.  She didn't want to lose him again.  She didn't think she would be able to handle so much pain and heartache all over again. 

Sort of like she was feeling now. 

And anyway, she wasn't Xander's type.  Never would be.  Xander liked gorgeous girls like Buffy, Cordelia, that mummy girl… Faith.  She would never be that.  She didn't dress like them, she wasn't as confident, as easy-going.  And she had Oz.

So why the hell was she still thinking about Xander? Aching because of him?

_OzOzOz__…it had become her mantra whenever Xander popped into her mind. _

Xander didn't like her… not like that.  What they had had… it had just been a test… right? Right. After being friends for so long, it was only natural for curiosity to arise. But it had not been worth it.  All the heartache and pain, all the mess they had caused. 

She still felt guilty every time she saw Cordelia looking bitterly at her.  She had worked so hard to get Oz to trust her again. She had waited so long for Oz to start talking politely and being able to be in the same room with Xander again.  

She had worked so hard – so _damn_ hard – to bury her feelings for Xander deep inside. To remind herself that Oz was the one she loved.

And she truly loved Oz.  Really did.  It was just that with Xander… it was – different.  What they had… It was as Buffy had said: _she liked Xander because there was something about him that Oz didn't have… but it just wasn't worth it._  She had to let it go… let _him go. _

_OzOzOz__… she thought to herself as she made herself out of the rest rooms. _

She had cried now, she had let her feelings out.  Now she would be able to face Xander as if nothing had ever happened, as if she didn't care, as if she had not just been pouring her soul out because of the huge amount of hurt that lied inside of her. 

The school was eerily quiet… so alone.  It was scary, but she didn't care.  She rather liked it that way, actually. 

She walked though the hallways, making her way to the exit.  Every footstep she took echoed loudly against the floor.  

She sighed heavily. _OzOzOz.  She would have to call Oz as soon as she got home. _

Suddenly a heavy hand landed on her shoulder.  Willow let a small yell escape her and jumped, turning around. 

"Oh, my God," she said, relieved. "Xander. You scared the hell out of me."

He gave her a small smile. "Why are you still here, Will?" he asked her. 

Willow bit her lower lip, her mind running fast, thinking for something to answer.  Finding none, she decided to turn things around.

"What are _you doing here?" she asked him. _

"I was waiting for you," he said, shrugging. "We didn't want you to walk home alone, you know, with all the nasty-creatures out there. Buffy offered – but you know, she's got a lot in her mind."

"Well… thanks then, I guess."

Xander nodded. "No problem."  Then he looked at her, as if he had just realized something. "Will… have you… have you been crying?"

_Damn it_. "What?"

"Well, you're eyes are all swollen and your nose is all Rudolph-like."

"I… I… have not?" 

Xander raised an eyebrow.  "Will, c'mon. I've known you forever, now you can't lie to me."

Willow sighed, defeated.  

"So what is it?" Xander asked. 

Willow shrugged. "It's nothing…" she said, feeling her stomach make a tight knot.  She would not, under any circumstances, tell him that she had been crying on his account. "And everything, you know?"

"No, actually I don't."

Willow slid down the wall, letting herself fall on the floor. "Well, it's this _thing_ that's big and that it's gonna kill us and we don't really know what it is, and then there's Buffy being all stressed out, and then there's Faith… betraying us," she stopped for a moment, her eyes resting on Xander for the shortest moment. Then, realizing her mistake, continued quickly. "_And_ I don't even know where Oz is right now!" she finished.

Xander was looking at his palms. Neither of them said anything for a moment, and Willow was okay with that.  Silence was good, silence meant they didn't have to discuss anything – deal with _things_ that had happened.

"Can we not do this?" Xander asked after a moment. 

"Do what?" Willow asked, not looking at him.  She knew perfectly well what he was talking about. She would never tell him that, though. 

"Talk about _it_. Not right now, not with everything that's been going on."

"I never said I wanted to talk about it."

"But you were crying!" 

"_Alone_, Xander. Alone. In my solitude.  Where you should've never known. But I _never said I wanted to talk about it.  Let alone with you."_

Xander stared at her, and then returned at examining his hands. "Alright, then. We won't talk about it."

The minutes passed slowly between them. The awkwardness grew bigger and bigger. Willow was about to stand up and leave –vampires or not—when Xander suddenly talked. 

"You know, I don't even know why you're upset," he blurted. "I mean, it's not like you should care. You're with Oz, and that's what you wanted, isn't it? And you were oh so happy that you guys got back together. And you know what? I don't care, I'm happy for you guys. You and Oz are so great together and the whole damn world can see it.  And besides, it's not like the two of you haven't—" he stopped suddenly, realizing what he was about to say. 

Willow felt herself flush hardly. They hadn't… yet. But she _had offered herself to him. And they'd almost… but didn't. Not yet._

Xander was looking at her with wide eyes. "So you have," he whispered under his breath. 

Willow heard, though. "What?! What on earth makes you think that?"

"You… your whole color-changing face…and the staring into space thing… _and the whole blushing like a tomato thing!" he said, while gesturing frantically with his hands as if to prove his point._

Willow's mouth opened and closed before she managed any sound. "That's _none of your business!"_

Xander looked at the floor. "So you have," he repeated. 

Willow closed her eyes.  She could easily let him think that, indeed, she had slept with Oz.  She could let him burn in jealousy.  She could never tell him the truth.  

But then again, she would die inside, knowing she was lying to her oldest friend. The one that had always been there for her.  The one she knew that, despite everything, would always be there for her.  Always.  She couldn't do that.  Not to Xander.  Not to herself. 

She shook her head a little. "No," she whispered under her breath.

Xander looked at her. "What?" he muttered.

"We haven't.  Not yet."

Now it was Xander's turn to blush. "Oh."

The awkwardness returned. Willow stood up intending to leave, she didn't want to talk about it anymore. 

Xander stood up after her.  "I'll walk you home."

She nodded. 

They walked out quietly out of the school into the dark street.  

"So," Xander started slowly. "Finished that essay for Biology yet?" he asked. Willow knew it has his attempt to small conversation, to ease things.  She appreciated it… but it wasn't working. 

"No, not yet." It wasn't working. But that didn't mean she wouldn't cooperate. "I mean, it's not like I haven't meant to start it, it's just that with the whole graduation massacre thing… well, haven't got the time."

Xander nodded.  Then he smiled lightly. "I never thought I'd see the day when Willow Rosenberg didn't do homework."

Willow laughed. "I never said I wouldn't do it! I just said that well… I'd start it later."

Xander nodded. "Well, we're here," he said, stopping as they reached Willow's house.

"Yeah. We are." 

They stood there, watching at each other for what seemed ages.  Then Willow looked away.  "Well, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yes."

Willow nodded at him and turned to walk into her house, but before she could take one step, Xander's hand caught her wrist and stopped her. 

"I never meant for it to happen, Will."

Willow stopped on her tracks and sucked in a breath. "What?"

"With Faith… I never meant for it to happen. It just… did."

"You don't have to explain it, Xander."

"I know. I just don't want you to… well, have the wrong idea."

She nodded.  "Good night, Xander."

But he didn't let go. "Will?"

Willow bit her lip, hoping that he would let her go already.  It was as if his touch was burning her. "Yes?"

"Do you regret it?"

"What?"

"You know -- us. I mean, doing all that in the hiding… keeping it secret."

Willow considered it for a moment. "I don't know," she said honestly. "Some things, like you know, lying to Oz and Cordelia and hurting them. That kinda stuff."

Xander raised an eyebrow. "But the other part…?"

Willow licked her lips in nervousness. "Xander…" she said, warningly. 

She could have sworn she saw for a moment Xander's eyes travel quickly down to her lips, but they met her eyes so quickly that Willow wondered if she had just imagined it. 

"Yeah. I know. Sorry."

"I really have to go."

"Yes, I know."

"Um... I'm gonna need my hand back, please?" she said, nodding towards her hand, still held by his.

"Oh, yes. Sorry."

Xander let go of her –a sudden rush of coldness hit her.  

She knew then: she would always have some sort of feelings for her friend.  But it would never be more than that –_ her friend.  And she was okay with that, she really was. _

It was a comforting feeling, it made her fuzzy inside, to know he would always be her friend, no matter what.

She smiled warmly at him, and then started walking towards her door. 

"Hey, Will?" he called mid-way. 

She stopped and turned to look at him expectantly. "What?"

"I don't regret it either."  He was smiling. 

She smiled back.  

**A/N** - Yeah… crappy ending, I know.  And yes, the characters were a little OOC.  But I did my best to make this fic worthwhile of  your reading.  So **_please _**tell me what you think.  Also, this was my first attempt ever to a W/X fic… planning to get better.

*Please* review. 


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